


Break to build yourself back

by Lavende



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Andreil, Angst, Canon verse, Hurt/Comfort, Loss of Control, M/M, Sad with a Happy Ending, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-04
Updated: 2020-05-04
Packaged: 2021-03-03 01:08:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,740
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24006364
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lavende/pseuds/Lavende
Summary: It's the light turning on the bedroom that makes him realise there is noise in the house once more. His first reflex is to hide his eyes with his arm, but Neil still turns his head to look at Andrew in the doorframe. Oh. Andrew. He looks… surprised? Andrew rarely looks surprised.
Relationships: Neil Josten/Andrew Minyard
Comments: 14
Kudos: 415





	Break to build yourself back

**Author's Note:**

> I don't have much to say. I wrote this on my phone one night, it's probably my most personal work haha. This fact is a bit sad. 
> 
> Trigger warning: Self-harming.

"Are you sure?" Andrew gives him the look he usually saves for when Neil is lying about his physical health. Like that time Neil was shivering and weak from a fever but pushed his way to practice until he actually almost fainted. 

Neil doesn't think he currently deserves this look. Sure, he has been weirdly out of it today, in a way he doesn't remember ever really being since he joined the Foxes. But they finished the season and separated for summer vacation and Nicky dragged his cousins (and by extension, Neil) to the house in Columbia to spend a week away from Exy. They obviously left Kevin at Abby's place now that he doesn't need Andrew's protection anymore. And maybe it just doesn't sit well with Neil to be far from the court today.

That's all.

"Yes. Come on, it's Friday, Nicky really wants to go," Neil answers as he picks up his new laptop. University is really too hard without it, especially when your partner doesn't want to go to the library. "I want to watch some of our matches anyway." Because if he's far from the court for a week, he at least needs to study their team play and his own mistakes.

Andrew stares a bit more before taking a step in Neil's direction and leaning forward in an obvious question, and Neil meets him in the middle for a short kiss. "Junkie," is Andrew's answer as he walks away from the bedroom.

Nicky really wants a normal evening at Sweetie's and Eden. It's not because Neil absolutely can't motivate himself to go that it means he has to keep Andrew back too.

When Neil hears the sound of the front door closing behind the group, the silence of the room weights weirdly on his shoulders. The same unease and emptiness that have followed him all day take back their place in his chest now that Andrew is gone.

He tries his best to ignore it, taking place on the bed, his back against the wall. It takes him some minutes to find the game he wants to watch and then he spends the next hours doing exactly what he told Andrew he would do.

It's only when the second game ends that Neil realises he has been staring at the wall for the past 40 minutes. His mind is a mix of too many unclear thoughts and silence. And yet, he doesn't feel sleepy.

Neil sighs, and puts his laptop further on the bed. He closes his eyes for a little, but they open again without him noticing.

Unconsciously, Neil reaches for his right arm, rubbing at the now healed scars. He's almost surprised when his fingers meet them; he forgot for a moment that his armbands are on the nightstand. Even in the darkness of the room, no light turned on, only his laptop producing some, he can see the sharp and precise mess that his skin is.

They are different from Andrew's ones. His are piling up messily, skin abused and abused again. Cuts on top of cuts. No precise patterns.

However, it isn't the physical appearance that strikes Neil suddenly, but the fact that he never chose his scars. That his scars are there because other people forced them on him, while Andrew used his to ground himself and have control over something. This thought immediately takes all of Neil's attention. Unease grows in his stomach as he feels too much in his own skin. It’s as if he doesn't own it anymore.

Neil stares for a long moment at his arms, resting on his thighs, heart pounding in his chest and resonating in his ears. 

Even his need to be on the court all week, did it come from his own love with Exy or the fact that he now owes his whole life to his capacity to play? Something else pushed on him.

Neil has the sudden urge to press his nails against the expanse of his skin and scratch. It automatically hurts with the strength he puts on it. (Andrew has complained about Neil's long fingernails when he got a scratch on his chin the previous day.) So he does it again, and again, a weird satisfaction growing in his stomach when the lines of the old scars start to become blurrier as his skin becomes raw and bleeding. 

When he's done with one arm, Neil continues with the other one. He doesn't think, he just feels the need to do it, he feels the need to finally put his own stamp on his life. On his body. He feels the need to feel like he belongs in his own flesh.

Time becomes blurry after a while and at one point he knows he stops moving, eyes on the mess he made, yet not really putting a word on it. 

It's the light turning on the bedroom that makes him realise there is noise in the house once more. His first reflex is to hide his eyes with his arm, but Neil still turns his head to look at Andrew in the doorframe. Oh. Andrew. He looks… surprised? Andrew rarely looks surprised. Then it crashes on Neil, and he brings his forearm in front of him, a bloody mess, skin stuck under his nails. 

"Andrew? Is Neil still—" Before Nicky can finish his sentence from further in the corridor, Andrew has already turned the light off again and the door is closed and locked. 

Neil doesn't realise he has been breathing faster until a familiar hand finds the back of his neck, pressing him forward. "Stop this." 

A pitiful sound comes out of Neil's throat but he does try to focus on his breathing. "Oh, fuck." It doesn't seem to want to stop. "I fucked up." 

Andrew doesn't answer at that, but presses a little harder. "Stop talking." And Neil does, focusing on his breathing. It's weird and messy, and his thoughts are finally coming back to him. Rushing to his brain while he couldn't think anything clear just a moment ago.

When he's finally back to a feeling of normalcy, the pain of his messed up arms blossoms, kind of grounding him down.

"I don't know why I did that," Neil mumbles as Andrew releases his neck. He sits beside him, and reaches for the lamp on the nightstand but asks, "Can I turn it on?" before doing so when Neil nods.

In the dim light of the lamp, Neil can see how long he probably spent on scratching his skin raw. It's bloody and messy, but at least it's drying fast, and he was unable to get deep with only his nails.

Andrew sits in silence for a moment, and Neil wonders if he's angry at him for telling him to leave earlier. "It wasn't planned. I swear." His voice is raspy.

Andrew looks back at his face, expression blank, but Neil can find a similar understanding he has already seen in his eyes. "We'll need to clean it." And then he gets up, exiting the bedroom and coming back a minute later with a bowl of lukewarm water, pads of saline solution and bandages. "Yes or no?"

Neil gives one last glance at his arms before nodding, and Andrew doesn't need more to start cleaning it up. As everything the man does, it isn't gentle, but it’s efficient. In no time, Neil has fresh bandages covering his injuries.

Then finally, Andrew asks, "Is it something you want to talk about?" It’s not an offer that comes up often with him, not with words anyway.

Neil automatically opens his mouth with his usual _I'm fine_ on the tip of his tongue, but he closes it right after. He frowns at the bandages and tries to gather his thoughts and make sense of them for the first time today. "I wanted to have control over one thing. I don't know, it felt like too much." _My body. My life. Everything._ And then he shrugs as if it is nothing.

Andrew takes a moment to observe him and understand the depth of his words. When he opens his mouth, it isn't to say what Neil thought he would. "You chose your name, Neil Josten. You chose your team, you chose your family, you chose to play, you chose your deal and you chose to stay." Andrew reaches to remove a strand of Neil's now too long hair from his forehead, lips tight. "And you choose to tell me yes, and you keep on choosing to stay every day. This is what you have control over."

It might seem stupid, but Neil has the impression he can breathe for real for the first time today. It's so deep that he shivers at the air reaching his lungs. He even has a half choked laugh coming out of his mouth. "Okay," Neil answers, unable to say more. 

Andrew nods, and goes to pick up Neil's pajamas to bring it to him. He helps him in it when it's clear Neil isn't all steady, and in exchange, Neil turns around when Andrew doesn't leave the room to change too. The latter pushes Neil in the bathroom for him to prepare for the night, but stays near the door.

Neil feels stupid to have pushed Andrew away earlier, knowing he could have avoided this. And yet, he knows it won't come easily to him for years to ask for help when he isn't quite right. To even understand that he isn't. 

They both end up in bed a few minutes later, just close enough for their ankles to link together. It's something they learned helps Andrew with having someone else in his bed, and anyway Neil doesn't move much in the night. Laying down makes him realise how exhausted he feels, but Neil still leans forward and asks, "Yes or no? Just kissing." 

"Yes." 

They kiss lazily for a couple minutes until Andrew pushes him away gently. "Sleep."

Neil doesn't mind obeying, closing his eyes and finding a type of calm he didn't feel all day. "Andrew?"

"Hm?"

"Next time, I'll try to tell you."

There is no answer for a moment, and Neil almost thinks Andrew fell asleep when he says,"Okay. I'll be there." 

And Neil is grateful to know with certainty that it is true. He chose to believe and trust Andrew, too. And no one forced it on him.

**Author's Note:**

> I don't expect much for this work? Thank you for taking some time to read it.
> 
> Tumblr: [Lav-ende](https://lav-ende.tumblr.com/)  
> Twitter: [Lav_ende](https://twitter.com/lav_ende)


End file.
